First post to CW section

[SandMan]

LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=170234

What's up guys, I'm fairly new to rap, I've been at it for about a couple months now and just stumbled across this section so I'm giving it a shot.

Verse-
I'm about to go in so sit n wait take notes and flip a page
then I Make you scream louder than a bitch thats gettin raped
Sand Man Obliterates your damn plan to spit it great
I cant stand you frickin fakes , the goals to eliminate
you hoes, foes , and back stabbers by slitting veins
or maybe indent your face when my rhymes enter your brain
but fuck it instead of splitting his abdomen in ten
Ill unload with flows and attack you with this pen
I sin grin and smash into your benz with friends then
I get out end this take a lighter and ignite the gasoline
then I might just stab your spleen you have to flee
before i find you and begin the grappling
and bitch that was just cause you laugh at me
when I spat a free that was worse than crappy weed
Now Ive weathered the weather I've come to sever your feathers
so try to battle me cause I'm better than ever!

[gutawafang]

Multis are lacking but the flow is there. Not bad on that. Some lines are irrelevant, as if they're there for the sake of syllables and random rhyming.

"Now Ive weathered the weather I've come to sever your feathers
so try to battle me cause I'm better than ever!"
Lines like that can be improved for better structure and also the birds can be referenced better. Overall, keep it up.

5/10

[shadyblogger]

This was a fun little read. I enjoyed your rhyming and your flow, good stuff brah.

[gutawafang]

Pretty good for a beginner, I actually thought it had a lot of rhyming for someone who has only been at it for a few months. Nothing really stood out to me but that's fine, just keep writing and keep thinking of ideas. Maybe start trying to make some punchlines (these may take time if you want them to be decent) and play around with word play; as well as rhetorical devices such as assonance, alliteration etc.

Keep at it though, I like what I see.

Some lines are irrelevant, as if they're there for the sake of syllables and random rhyming.

Seems like it's just a free verse with no real direction altogether, nothing really feels out of place to me.

Nah, I just thought he could show off some nameplay skills in
"Sand Man Obliterates your damn plan to spit it great"
Cuz the Sand Man in Spiderman throws sand around, not a plan to spit it great.

[Eedee]

This was unexpectedly dope! I got the flow somewhat, but those multis were so nice. Had a great feel to them. Good shit.

Multis are lacking

Hell no. There's multis out the ass in this piece. Not sure what piece you read, homie.

[gutawafang]

This was unexpectedly dope! I got the flow somewhat, but those multis were so nice. Had a great feel to them. Good shit.

Multis are lacking

Hell no. There's multis out the ass in this piece. Not sure what piece you read, homie.

Bahahahaha you're right. Should've read it twice or something. Now I see the inserts. Some multis are inside the sentences. And I played a beat in my head and it flowed even better.

I retract about the multis. Most of the rhymes are dope here. Keep it up. 8/10 considering you're new to rap, especially man.

[Eedee]

Lol I was like, "hold up"

[SandMan]

Thanks for all the feed guys. I'm still working on it. My next will be a topical hopefully. However, it is extremely hard for me to come up with word play/punch lines I think I dont have the attention span to think about words like that. Might not make sense idk. I'll definitely work at it.

Thanks again!

[Just Silver]

Good stuff reminds me somewhat of my quick jots I like the sporadic writing

Flow was decent as well keep at it we need more cw members than ever

Im also dropping a topical very soon although imo it's lackluster from my unique style :/

[Minimii]

This was unexpectedly dope! I got the flow somewhat, but those multis were so nice. Had a great feel to them. Good shit.

Multis are lacking

Hell no. There's multis out the ass in this piece. Not sure what piece you read, homie.

Bahahahaha you're right. Should've read it twice or something. Now I see the inserts. Some multis are inside the sentences. And I played a beat in my head and it flowed even better.

I retract about the multis. Most of the rhymes are dope here. Keep it up. 8/10 considering you're new to rap, especially man.

way to form opinions homie