F*ckin' A, Man

[EvryOnesACrtc]

This is a verse I rapped for a contest that got me nowhere. Kinda bummed about it, but figured I'd get some feedback to possibly improve. F*ckin' A, man...

I’m an apex predator to my competitors, this jungle’s my habitat/
I’ve hunted and gathered cats/
I'm jumpin’ like acrobats/
lungin’ right at you and, havin’ your body flung at the gravel, SPLAT!/
Asphalt! You just drew the last straw on the hump of this camel’s back/
You’ll get punched in the Adam’s apple, and stuffed in my Cadillac/
To be dumped in a landfill as, nothing but junk in some bags of trash/
So start namin' the place, you’ll get slayed in the basement you play dungeons and dragons at!!/
You hairy potheads, suck on Dumbledore's magic staff/
Be humbled before your majesty, I come hungry to battle raps!/
Eat you alive and save some leftovers for lunch in my travel pack/
Or to munch on to have a snack/
I made your climb to success a dive to your death---whether I’ve sung in an avalanche/
Made the rungs of your ladder snap,/
or swung an axe at your money tree and left you a stump, better grab a branch!/
You can't see me, like an unforeseen happenstance/
Cuz I’m so ahead with rhyming schemes, I gotta go and get my time machine, jump in and travel back/
To the past so fast all you see is a blurrr, like brunescent cataracts/
Aww, is something the matter, JACK?/
I’ll be the judge! you’re just the sound I make when I’m thumpin’ my gavel, WACK!!/

LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=171484&p=2712585#p2712585

[EvryOnesACrtc]

Very nice demonstration of your writing skills and understanding of rhyme schemes and struggle. A few cool lines like the time machine one. Flow was also pretty easy to catch and keeping the same rhyme scheme the whole way through was entertaining to read. Did you write this to a beat/record this at all? Would love to actually hear how you'd tackle this vocally.

Thanks, dude. I did actually write this to a beat I made. I may post it in the Audio section soon. When are you gonna drop something? You were one of my favorite lyricists on this site.

[Just Silver]

Best cw in a while good shit
Other than the magic staff line I enjoyed this thoroughly
A little switch of flow might make it better but I haven't heard u vocally

Grade:B+

[EvryOnesACrtc]

Thanks, Wiz and Silver. The magic staff line can be left out, but I personally love it. Surprisingly, I didn't recite it in the competition I was in. Maybe when I drop the audio version of this, I'll leave it out. I have a lot more multies for this scheme, but I left them out because it was already such a long piece.

Anyway, thanks again. I'll look out for you guys. Silver doe, you must be the most active guy in this section. You have like 12 writtens in the first page alone lol

[Minimii]

was expecting lyrics about fucking a man was disappoint
also i believe dumbledore doesnt use a staff but a wand so yeah
prettygood/5

[shadyblogger]

Dope shit man. Great lyricism and amazing rhymes imo. Very enjoyable and pleasant to read through. Definitely keep it up bro.

[EvryOnesACrtc]

was expecting lyrics about fucking a man was disappoint
also i believe dumbledore doesnt use a staff but a wand so yeah
prettygood/5

Yeah, well you know, you're a fag, so you would think that.