need your advice (conflict between me and my friend)

[ladelsofgravy]

I trust you guys enough. I've been having some issues with my best friend. I'll try and keep this as concise as possible so I don't bore you.

I'm 21 and he's 19. I lived in a small-town middle-class suburb my entire life. Due to his financial circumstances, he's had to move dozens of times throughout his life. We've been close as two guys could ever be without being gay.

He's moved around a lot, but has moved to my state several times. 2 years ago, he moved to a rural area of MA. He made some big mistakes there but he got his shit together and turned around his life. We've talked on the phone everyday, and we've missed each other and couldn't wait until he moved back to my state again, which he did 2 months ago. And that's when things went sour.

He moved into one of the worst places in the state (drug hotspot; several shootings on his street every week). He's gone to my house like 6 times, yet I refuse to visit him because of his location. One which I've been to before and never ever want to visit again.

His opinion: I'm too arrogant and self-righteous to visit a neighborhood less fortunate than mine and a loyal friend would be there for him no matter what or where in his darkest days. Me refusing to do something as simple as that, really diminished his trust in me, or the fact that I cared about him.

My opinion: He doesn't want to be there at all; it's selfish for him to want to drag me into that place as well, when he hates it and is miserable there.

I suggested we can still be best friends, but we can meet up at some other place (with a specific plan in mind) anywhere else in the whole state but the ghetto, but he sees that as totally unacceptable

99% of our friendship has been through phone and e-mail because we relate to each other when it comes to big-picture things like hopes, goals, feelings, ambitions, supporting each other. But on day-to-day interests like hobbies, we're totally different and I'm reluctant to visit someone who I'll have nothing to do with but talk (which we could do on the phone anyway).

This argument is a constant cycle. We've had this exact same argument on more than 10 different occasions, and it all ends the same. I suggest since we can't agree on everything (no two people can), let's just be friends but keep our friendship limited to what we can agree on. He said he wanted a full friend or none at all.

Through these arguments, I always said the door was always open just in case, and every other week he wants to not be my friend. We didn't speak for weeks, we talked and the same exact argument happened again. We didn't resolve it and he said we couldn't be friends anymore. At this point, I just was sick of the repetition and hung up on him while he was talking.

Now I think: Who was right here, who was wrong? Not for some academic exercise, but I want to view things objectively and see where I was right to stand my ground and where I was wrong to.

In the end, I think it was just a conflict of interest. Both of us are good people, but we both just have too many differences that just are fundamental and can't be worked out.

[Snakebeast]

Now, looking at things objectively....

You both have your faults. Yeah, I know, no definitive answer, but fuck, things are never in black and white, are they?

Your friend needs to be more mindful of the fact that where he lives is a dangerous place, and I'm sure that he'd never want something bad to happen to you.

On the other hand, you're his best friend (from what I can tell). Couldn't you visit him at least once? Just once? Walk the streets quickly but cautiously, don't dawdle and pick the quickest route to where your friend is.

I guess it all comes down to how much you really love your friend. Do you value your friendship enough to risk your life for it?

[ladelsofgravy]

Thanks for your input.

To me, I just feel like we've related to each other less, and things have been slowing down overall. His location was the main reason, but also it was lack of another compelling reason to visit him. Because when I've hung out with him in better places, I always felt like there's a disconnect.

I said that our friendship is abstract (meaning we can talk about things for HOURS on the phone and totally relate to each other), but when it comes to doing things (we just have nothing in common). So, it's the bad neighborhood that's dissuading me, but there's also really nothing motivating me, at least to go to a place I never ever want to go to.

We had lots of memories together, but in the end, I'm not heartbroken or deeply hurt, though I am a bit disappointed. Perhaps people just move on?

But yeah, it's never black and white, and no doubt my unwillingness to visit him both hurt him and is understandable from my perpective too.

I have no bad blood with him. I'm not sick and tired of him at all. I am sick and tired of the repetition, same argument every damn week.

[Snakebeast]

Doing things? Like, interests in music, movies, games, etc.?

Because, I don't know, couldn't you go over one night and have dinner with him (in a totally heterosexual way) or maybe....watch a football game, or play some video games, watch shit TV, watch a movie, etc. It might not fix your relationship just "*like that* but it might help in the long run.

Or you could meet him at his house, no bullshit, and just sit with him and sort this shit out. Work something out. I don't know. Taxi to his place, train yourself to run faster than Usain Bolt so you can get there without danger, build a fucking TARDIS, I don't know.

All I know is that you need to sort this shit out, because I hate seeing good friends grow apart, and that seems to be happening to you two.

[ladelsofgravy]

To me, its like I really lost interest. And after constantly keeping the door open for him and him shutting it down on my face, I really don't want to reconcile. I have no bad feelings toward him, but I'm just not interested.

Our friendship ended weeks ago. This was just a rehash.

What I am interested in doing is using this as an experience to learn from.

I think what I learned is that theres a difference between being "right" and "right for me".

Was not visiting him the "right" thing to do? Probably not. But it was the "right thing for me".
Was hanging up on him the "right" thing to do? Nope. But it was "right for me".

[Snakebeast]

What? You....what? Well. Alright. I really think that this could've gone a lot better, to be honest. You didn't have to do that.

Yes, what you did was probably right for you. You could have endangered your life by visiting him. But you know what? I don't want to sound too preachy, but in the end, if you only do things for yourself, you end up....by yourself.

Sometimes we need to make sacrifices. Should you have made one? Well, given the information I have, yeah, you should've patched things up. And you still should. Come on, dude. Don't let it end like that.

[ladelsofgravy]

Well, when he ended the friendship 10 times, I always stood by awaiting him to apologize and continue just for it to erupt again.

While I can be a dick at times, I'm happy I put my foot on the ground.

[Snakebeast]

Well, you never solved the problem. Of course the friendship would end. Don't try to just apologize, SOLVE THE ISSUE. It's like a stomach ache. You can wait it out, and eventually, the pain might recede. But the pain will always come back unless you get your lazy ass off the couch and onto the toilet, where you chuck a massive turd.

Apologizing and continuing the friendship won't solve anything. The friendship will inevitably end because the PROBLEM IS STILL THERE. You have to solve it, patch it up.

[Elision]

That was a little gay. Guess I've just never been that close with someone.

Regardless, if you aren't comfortable going to that part of town, that's all you have to say. If he's got a problem with your discomfort then don't talk to him. Fixed.

[ladelsofgravy]

That was a little gay. Guess I've just never been that close with someone.

Regardless, if you aren't comfortable going to that part of town, that's all you have to say. If he's got a problem with your discomfort then don't talk to him. Fixed.

Yep. That's exactly how I feel.

[ladelsofgravy]

As far as I'm concerned, if you have nothing in common then you aren't best friends.

That's the very odd thing though. In many ways he had lots in common. In terms of our upbringing, our problems, our personalities, our goals, both of our desires to grow as better people and both of us supporting each other when we're down. but in the end, those aren't specific things we latch on to.

When it came to hanging out in person, there was nowhere we could go or nothing that we could do that we would both enjoy. That's why I told him our friendship is best just us talking on the phone rather than meeting up and literally doing nothing.

[ladelsofgravy]

But as others said Gravy this lowkey does seem kinda homosexual brother it's okay though be your self brother

lol, hes straight, but yeah, he's a bit needy. i dont blame him, hes probably going through hell on one of THE most dangerous streets in the ENTIRE country. he needed me, but i didn't really want to go there.

[ladelsofgravy]

Go visit your best friend, you're not gonna get shot lol he's still alive right?

But if you truly are afraid to go to his hood than don't go just expect your friend to think less of u.

I don't wanna come off as cocky but I'm truly not afraid of anyone or hood or area man, as long as you don't bother anyone, no one should bother u.

its not that im afraid, and the chances of me getting mugged is only like 1%. but it's a place of darkness and negativity. and if im going out with a friend, i dont want to spend a my afternoon in a claustrophobic underground apartment with like only 1 window - i want to go out to the city and do things.

[ladelsofgravy]

Perhaps you need to get out of your current mindset. Labeling people as the most valued or best is never a good thing to do and I feel like you just pack extra emotional weight behind a friendship that isn't actually there sometimes.

you totally get it. if it was meant to last it would have. a best friend is often someone for life. he was a close friend, and we were the best friends we had known for the time, but due to all the limitations and differences we had, i couldnt have him in my prime top position for too long. same with him to me.

best friends do exist for many people (people have had best friends for 20-30+ years), but sometimes things are just really good for the moment but theres no underlying thing beneath us to keep us together i guess.

so maybe he wasnt a best friend, but rather , best friend at the time

and i dont live in MA, though he did at the time.

[Elision]

as long as you don't bother anyone, no one should bother u.

I had to step in here. This is plain false. People get shot all day for walking across the wrong intersection, or wearing the wrong color shirt. There's a lot of disgusting people out there that, unfortunately, we have to share oxygen with.